Me and Randy went to this party at Sanjita's together for new years. We danced, we played games as a team, and we kissed at midnight, and no one cared. So I guess I worried over nothing. He's a great boyfriend, the only thing I hate is that I didn't go for this sooner!

I made a new years resolution that night too. I want to do more at school. I had some friends at the party but most people are kids I barely know since I'm almost like a new kid this year. So I want to go do more stuff. There's these one-act plays coming up soon, I could try out for those. I probably wouldn't get a big part since I'm not an actor, but I'm sure I could get something. And I definitely want to help with the musical in the spring. And I could do ther stuff too. Mal's on the literary magazine and she likes that a lot. I'll find something. This is going to be a great year!

Thanksgiving was so fun. I love my family. I know that's something that can go by without saying, but I really do love them. They're all just so nice and fun and great! It was so fun seeing Michael and Marian again. I miss them all the time but I didn't even realize how much until I saw them. Marian went out shopping with me and Keisha on Friday and to the movies. I can hardly wait til Christmas and Kwanzaa to see everyone again. Maybe I'll at least have to take a trip out to NYC in December, stay at Michael and Marian's. Marian had talked about wanting to go see the Rockettes. And Dance NY is having a show too, Maritza said it's really good, and Quint's in The Nutcracker at Juilliard.

Yeah, there's no 'maybe' about it now, I have to go to NYC before Christmas.

I think I talked about Randy a little too much though. Keisha was surprised that he wasn't my boyfriend. We finally got a chance to talk on Saturday and we ended up talking for an hour. I figured we'd just talk a few minutes, to see how each other's thanksgivings went, and before I knew it, an hour had gone by. Maybe we should just go out. We practically are. I guess I'll just see how we keep going. I don't want things to be a big change with us, I like how we are. I just need to make myself look past the racial thing. It really isn't a big deal. I think I'm just making it into one. No one else seems to care, so why should I?

I got a date for homecoming! I was figuring I wouldn't get one, and was thinking of maybe seeing if Quint wanted to visit for the weekend and go with me to it, but then Randy actually asked me. It's weird. I mean, he's a good friend, I've had such a blast with him since I got back. Like me and him just totally lost touch once I left Stoneybrook, then there he was with me in first period and we just hit it off right away again like we did when we were doing the Follies. I said yeah for the dance, of course I did, I know we'll have fun. But I'm just wondering if he likes me. I've never actually dated a white guy, or even liked one. But I probably can't let myself only like black guys anyway, not living here. I think I could kind of like Randy though. Maybe.

Things are so weird at school. I mean, they're good. Great, even. I've gotten back in with a lot of my old friends, not just the BSC girls. I've got classes with Sanjita, Elise, Randy, all these cool people who I remembered and who I was figuring had forgotten all about me. I've got people to talk to and joke around with and hang out with in every one of my classes.

But things are weird with Mallory. I don't get her. I know we're getting older, we're in high school, and things are changing, but this much? She comes to school every day dressed like how Stacey did back in middle school, she does her makeup during the day, and all she seems to care about is finding boys to talk to and how to become more popular. And there's all these weird rumors going around about her. I know none of them are true, there's no way they are, it's Mallory, but it's just so weird that things like this are going around.

I was so happy to get to come back here and be around all my friends again but I never expected it to be like this with her. I thought we'd be like we always were. Maybe she's just changing too much for me.

Here I am, back in Stoneybrook. I didn't ever think this would happen once I went off to New York. I figured I was there for good, I'd go on to Julliard or the ABT or something. But now, I'm finishing up summer reading and thinking of what classes I want to register for at SHS.

I'm really excited though! I'm going to take Spanish and I'm going to join some clubs and the new dance studio I registered at seems really really great.

Except for the fact that I'm pretty sure I'm the only black student there...

I audition tomorrow for the ABT fellowship. I've chosen to do the Diamond Fairy solo from Sleeping Beauty, which is extremely fast, and the fouettes are death defying, but I can do them. I'd love to have the balls to bust out the Rose Adagio, but I'm years away from doing that with any degree of real competence. I'd look like a little girl dancing in her dream solo basement instead of a ballerina who is really on the rise.

I only hope, while I dance tomorrow, they see me, Jessica Ramsey, perhaps a future principle ballerina of the American Ballet Theatre - and not Jessica Ramsey, a black ballerina.

Somedays it is hard to do this. Not the body hurting part: it's hurt ever since I started en pointe.

It's that I miss home. I miss my family, I miss Mallory and my other friends, but Mallory most of all. I don't regret it? And right now, all I want to do is dance? It's just hard and if I didn't say it was hard I'd be fooling myself.

I just don't know how I can make it any easier. If it ever slows down enough for me to go home as much as I want on weekends. I don't know. It just sucks and I guess that's all I can manage on it. That it sucks a lot.

As much as I love dancing, I don't know how the older girls here do it. I know final exams for the semester are coming up, and how can they handle stress and performing at the same time? I don't know if I could do that. It's impressive and hard to watch, all at once.

I'm going home this weekend, though, and I'm really excited. Mama and Becca are coming to get me, although I know Becca will beg to stay and shop for god knows how long.

I'm also hopefully going to see Mal, which will be awesome. And I think Claud's putting together some sort of shopping trip?

But really, the most exciting thing about this entire weekend? Is a break from ballet.